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Thursday, August 26, 2004 

First Bit of British Bollocks

Boy, I hope I am using "bollocks" correctly. I wanted to steer clear of the word "bullshit" in my title there. Reading my enrolment form yesterday I noticed they wanted "proof" of my academic achievements. Which I suspect is another official transcript from each school. Which seems dumb to me, because I had to send them this when I applied. So now that I've applied and been accepted, when I show up to start class I have to prove yet again that I've graduated from the universities I've graduated from. Does that make any sense to you? You'd think they'd have some sort of system or form, electronic or otherwise, which would list my already proven credentials and they could just look at that whenever they have any doubts. I mean, really.

It's just annoying because I just had to request a transcript from NC State last week to send to the British Consulate for my Visa application. That I don't mind so much, but how many terrorists do they have trying to sneak their way into the country via fake academic credentials?


Snooty Brit: *looking over forms* Ah-ha! Got the bugger at last! That forty-seventh transcript is clearly faked!

At US$5 a pop I might start faking them myself. Should I buy up a stash so that I have them when I 1) start my first day in the lab 2) show up at the karate club 3) get curry take-a-way 4) board the tube? I mean, you can't have clearly uneducated people doing all of these things now can you?? What next? Will the hairdresser make me balance an organic molecule equation before she gives me a trim? Can't get the keys to my dormitory room until I've recited the times tables? Not allowed to the futbol match till I've completed a Hamlet soliloquy?

24 days and 20 hours.......

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The word, "bollocks", is my favorite British word. It's so versatile. It can take so many brilliant forms to augment your daily conversations:

noun: testicles - "The girl kicked him in the bollocks."
noun: bullshit - "He's talking loads of bollocks."
verb: to scold - "My boss found out and bollocked me."
exclam: "shit" - "Oh, bollocks!"

I'm sure there may be a bit more out there that elude me at the moment. You'll love the slang out there across the Pond. Hang in there - you'll love it once the administrative bollocks is over and you can actually live!

noun: (when preceded by the definite article) very good, the best - "That goal was the bollocks", a contraction of the term "the dog's bollocks". See also "The mutt's nuts".

And, possibly slightly less common -
To Bollocks Up:
verb: to mess up, fuck up or break - "I leave you alone with my computer for 5 minutes and you manage to bollocks it up". "I really bollocksed that speach up, didn't I?".

And I have heard once or twice -
Bollocksed, (pronounced bollux'd)
adjective: Under the influence of cannabis, stoned - "Let's get bollocksed", "I didn't care at all, because I was completely bollocksed"

Next lesson, "bugger"...

We like our B-words don't we?

Oh and I think the title should've been,"Load of Old British Bollocks" (tres british sounding)

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