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Sunday, July 04, 2004 

Starting to break down

Starting to have a nervous breakdown about the financial situation. Really. There are several issues to contend with:
1. Feel like I filled out my FAFSA way too late. In fact, feel like I am doing everything too late. Even though King's told me they'd let me know stuff in August, it just feels too damn late. I am freaking out that I didn't plan this well enough and I'm going to miss something, or not have the money. If it takes them this long to tell me when to come to school, they move so slow, how long with it take them to evaluate my FAFSA? A year?
2. Maybe I am nuts for walking away from my job. Maybe I do hate it, and maybe I do deserve better, but Christ they pay me a lot of money. It's a lot of money for me to walk away from. I never wanted to be a corporate slave, never thought I'd fall prey to golden handcuffs. And maybe moving to England is proof of that. Everyone says money isn't the most important thing to them, but how many people actually live that way? I suppose if I go ahead and pull this off it would show me what kind of character I have...
3. Not thrilled with going into debt either. Been in debt before, hated it, got myself out. And that was hard work. Christ, why didn't I plan this better?
I thought writing would help, but it's sending me into more of a nuclear meltdown. I was expecting this, so I'm not totally unprepared for the emotion, but it's stronger than I thought.
Not strong enough for me to stop what I'm doing I guess. I'll keep going until they stop me I guess. Until the school says I can't stay, until the country says I have to get out.... Surely I could find another job? Crash with Akash in Cali until I find one? What's the worst that could happen? Okay, worst case senario: I quit my job and then find out for some reason I can't go. I either fix the problem, my folks bail me out, or I move to California and cash on Akbar's couch. I do have $14k cold hard cash saved up.... What's the worst that could happen? I have to calm down and realize that the worst is not that bad, and it's not even close to the misery of not following my dreams and doing what I know is right. Right?

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